Swimming
by demondreaming
Summary: Jade was bisexual. Cat couldn't say how she knew... well, actually, she could, but she didn't. She remembered it though, even though the memories were blurry, she could still recall them with such clarity, like overexposed snapshots burned into her brain.
1. Chapter 1: Swimming

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything ever.**

Jade was bisexual. Cat couldn't say how she knew... well, actually, she _could_, but she didn't. She remembered it though, even though the memories were blurry, she could still recall them with such clarity, like overexposed snapshots burned into her brain. They seemed more real than her real memories, and at the same time like a dream. If she could've told, she wouldn't have thought so much about it, but there it was, buzzing behind her lips wanting to burst out, and it only got worse because she couldn't.

She remembered it better when she didn't try. Most of the time it drifted into her head before she fell asleep, and then she'd dream about it. It'd been someone's birthday party. Cat didn't really remember whose birthday. She wasn't good with some of the details, just the important ones. Cat didn't drink much... she'd never really had the urge. Cat didn't need alcohol to lose herself, to free herself; she could do that in her own mind, but they'd had all these drinks that were such bright colours with names like candy that tasted sweet, and she couldn't help but try all of them. They'd made her head foggy, made everything echo and pound in her ears, and all the faces had blurred. It felt kind of nice, she'd thought blearily, and she felt warm and wobbly, but then it started to get too much, so she'd wandered away, looking for somewhere cool and quiet to find where she was and make the world stop swimming. Cat liked to swim, but she had to keep remembering to breathe in big gasps or she'd drown.

She'd heard crying, soft, little, jagged sounds filtering through to her, and for a moment she'd thought it was her, and she'd touched her fingertips to her face, expecting to feel wetness. But it was coming from further away, and the noise hurt her. She didn't like people crying, and she wasn't sure what she'd do, but she had to do something, so she'd followed the sound through the muted light, grasping a cool doorknob and twisting it open.

It was like a lightning flash, the way the light had spilled onto Jade's face as she twisted to look at Cat, her eyes streaked with black. Cat's heart had fluttered; she was scared of Jade, and to catch her like this... she'd be lucky if she survived the night. But Jade had turned away, her head returning to her hands, and Cat had stepped into the room, closing the door softly. Everything had been dark, the dull heart-throb of bass muffled, and Cat had waited for her eyes to adjust, her body wavering unsteadily.

"Jade? Are you okay?" Cat had asked quietly, taking a few wobbly steps towards the crying girl.

Jade raised her head, sniffing, "Does it _look_ like I'm okay?" She'd snapped, and Cat's eyes had adjusted enough by then to see the quiver in Jade's lips.

"No."

Jade had laughed then, running a hand through her hair and patting a spot on the bed next to her. Cat had felt her lips turn up in a smile. She'd made Jade laugh, even if it hadn't felt like a real laugh. She'd sat next to Jade, a mixture of perfume and alcohol wafting into her lungs, and she'd felt like she was swimming again.

"Beck and I..." Jade had started hesitantly, her voice hoarse. Cat had leaned in further to hear her, Jade's voice quiet and reluctant. "We... we broke up." She took a shuddery breath, and Cat realised that Jade was swimming too, just trying to keep her head above water.

Cat had wrapped her arms around Jade, the taller girl stiffening at first, unused to anyone touching her... anyone _daring_ to touch her, and Cat had stroked Jade's hair gently, making soft shushing noises that she didn't know she knew how to make. Eventually Jade relaxed in Cat's arms, and Cat felt hot tears start to soak through her shirt, Jade's hot, gasped breaths shuddering against Cat's shoulder. Cat knew Jade needed a friend, had always wanted to be that friend... but Jade was scary. She pushed Cat away with her words and her stance... she pushed everyone away. But here in the dark she was just a girl, and Cat didn't feel so scared if she couldn't see her. Cat couldn't be sure how long they sat there, gently rocking back and forth, Jade shuddering against her, until eventually it started to subside, Jade sniffing and pulling away from her. She wiped her hand under her eyes, fingertips coming away smeared black. She took a few unsteady breaths. "I'm sorry."

Cat smiled, her eyebrows furrowed in innocent confusion. "What for?"

Jade smiled softly at that, her eyes downcast. "Just... thanks Cat. You won't... you won't tell anyone?"

Cat pinched her index finger and thumb together, running them across her lips in a zipping motion. Jade's smile grew wider, faltering as she grabbed Cat's shirt, bunching the material. She rubbed a thumb over the damp material where her tears had soaked through. "I got eyeliner all over your shirt."

Cat looked down curiously. "Oh." She'd heard Jade's breath hitch, the brunette's fingers tentatively tracing their way down until they reached the curve of Cat's breasts.

"Cat..." Jade's voice had turned breathy, and Cat had waited patiently for Jade to finish what she was saying, because it felt important and Cat thought it might have something to do with the tingling in the pit of her stomach, unrelated to alcohol, that Jade had started. But Jade never finished her sentence, just let it hang there promising something, and Cat had jumped when Jade's other hand brushed her cheekbone, cupping her face. And then it was lips, pressing against hers, salty with tears. Cat's mind shut down, and she felt herself leaning into it, felt her limbs tremble trying desperately to find somewhere to hold her steady.

Jade had pulled away with a gasped breath, their lips parting for a moment, and Cat had run her tongue over them, dazed, feeling Jade's hand run over her ribs and pull her in closer, her other hand trembling against Cat's face before kissing her again. Cat was sure that Jade must've been completely wasted, because her kisses were drugging her, getting her drunk through taste alone, and Cat was sure you'd have to have drank a lot of alcohol to be able to do that to someone. It made her heart feel hot and heavy, even as it pounded incredibly hard against her lungs, shortening her breath, and she'd found her hands clutching onto Jade as if to beg her for something, something Cat didn't know the name of.

That was how Cat knew. Suspected, anyway. People didn't have to call themselves anything definitive, but she spent more time thinking of it than she liked to admit. Jade had come to her a few days later, begging her not to tell anyone. She said she was back with Beck again, and that if Cat said anything, it'd only hurt him. Cat understood, so she'd kept it zipped up inside her. And Jade had started treating her better... like a friend, which only made Cat want to tell more, want to talk to her at least about the things she felt that night, even through the alcohol. She thought about it every night before she went to sleep, every morning when she woke up, dissecting it, replaying it. It felt like the only real, shining thing that had happened to her, but she tried to push it away. She wasn't allowed.

Jade called her one afternoon, Cat's phone jingling merrily, startling Cat out of her reverie. She did that sometimes; called Cat, asked her to hang out, or go to the movies. Cat could sense something buttoned up behind Jade, something Cat's fingers weren't deft enough to undo. She didn't like those times, even though she always agreed eagerly, just to spend some time with Jade. With her friend. She hated how Jade would touch her, just casual touches on her arm, or her knee, but they'd linger for what felt like forever to Cat. They made her breathless, made her heart pound, and then Jade would brush Cat's hair away from her face with a smile, or lean into her just a little. Jade made it so Cat could never forget, never move on from what happened. It confused Cat. She hated it, yet she'd never stop it. Never ask Jade to stop touching her. She just wished she wasn't so confused, wished she could unbutton Jade and see who she really was.

Jade motioned her inside, leading Cat to her room. Jade was empty around her, when they were alone. She wasn't the Jade that people saw, she was quieter... softer. Or maybe it was just that she called Cat when she felt like that. Cat was pretty sure she was one of the only people to see this Jade, but that didn't make her happy. It was a sad thing, and she wished Jade would like her all the time, not just when she felt lonely. Maybe, Cat thought, Jade called her because Cat was the only one who could cheer Jade up. That made Cat feel a little better, made her feel useful, which was something she rarely felt.

Cat sat on Jade's bed, swinging her legs back and forth, her eyes roaming around Jade's room. It wasn't that Cat had never been here before, it was that every time she came, she found something new about Jade, learned something else to add to her little collection of information about the brunette. Jade sat down beside her, sighing, and Cat tore her attention away from Jade's room. Jade sighed a lot, but this was a different kind of sigh. It was the kind of sigh someone makes before they tell you something, Cat thought, the kind of sigh that has an ellipse at the end.

"Beck..." Jade began quietly, clearing her throat. "Beck and I... h-he broke up with me." Cat knew why she was here now. She was here for Jade, because Jade didn't have anyone else. Cat enveloped Jade in a hug, the brunette gratefully falling into the embrace. Cat should've felt flattered, should've felt honoured that she was the only person Jade could talk to about this stuff... and she did, she felt very flattered, but she wished Jade would call her sometimes just to hang out, just to talk. Not only when Jade needed a shoulder to cry on.

Cat shoved those thoughts to the back of her mind. She was being selfish. She _was _the only person Jade could talk to, and she should prove herself worthy of being entrusted with that. She was Jade's friend, and she was going to help her. She tried to keep that thought firmly in her mind as Jade's hands moved to her waist, the brunette pulling back with a deep breath. It was this kind of stuff, Cat thought, this kind of... of touching that distracted her, because it was the kind of touching that led to... to before. It didn't mean anything though, and that's what frustrated Cat. Jade never... she never spoke about it, but Cat knew it was a mistake, she knew that what Jade did... kissed her, Jade hadn't meant. So Cat tried not to think that way, tried not to think Jade felt that way, but she couldn't stop herself. She scolded herself internally, she had to be there for Jade! She shouldn't be thinking these sorts of things. Cat knew how much Jade loved Beck, knew how devastated she was whenever they fought. What happened that night was... it wasn't real... Jade had just... she'd just...

Cat's train of thought slowed, coming to a stop as Jade's hands slipped under the hem of her shirt, the brunette's eyes watching her intently, studying her. Cat's eyebrows furrowed as Jade leant in slowly, her lips parted. No. This couldn't... Jade wasn't drunk, was she? Cat was doing it again, she was misinterpreting everything. But Jade's face was still coming closer, and Cat was starting to panic. This... it couldn't... she...

Cat's eyes closed automatically as Jade's lips brushed hers, a soft sigh exiting her lips. Cat felt giddy, the sort of giddy she only felt when she'd eaten too much candy, and her heart pounded too fast and her brain felt sped up and everything was too bright, too fast. It _was_ happening. Cat knew it was... it wasn't like her dreams, wasn't like her memories... she could actually _taste_ Jade, feel her lips moving against hers, feel Jade's hands tighten around her waist. This was real.

Cat's mind was going into overdrive, questions and confusion burning so fast through her brain that it overloaded, and then there was just sensation. Just the feeling of kissing Jade, without alcohol to dull the sensation. Cat let out a soft moan as Jade's tongue found its way past her lips, caressing her own tongue. She knew this wasn't right. People didn't just do this sort of thing. She knew Jade wasn't kissing her because she was Cat, she was kissing her for... well, Cat didn't know the exact reasons, but she knew it wasn't for the right ones. But she couldn't stop herself, couldn't resist the brunette's advances. She was... she was weak. She remembered when Tori had started going to Hollywood Arts, how jealous and overprotective Jade had been of Beck. What surprised Cat however, was how Jade reacted to her and Tori being friends. She never said anything in public, no, but when they were alone, inside Jade's room, Jade had confronted her, asked her if their friendship meant nothing if she was going to hang out with 'that slut'. It had made Cat feel ashamed, like she was betraying Jade, but when she thought about it, _really_ thought about it, it didn't make sense. Despite that, she'd tried to be less friendly to Tori, tried to side with Jade a bit more, even though she knew it wasn't right of Jade to demand that from someone who was just her 'friend'.

Jade gently pushed Cat down onto the bed, climbing on top of the smaller girl, their lips never parting. Cat finally admitted it to herself; she had a crush on Jade. Ever since that night... ever since Jade started being nice to her, Cat had felt more than friendly feelings. She knew that, she indulged in those feelings when she was alone, but she'd never actively acknowledged them. She'd never dared to hope anything would happen, and she certainly hadn't wanted to lose this newly gained friendship. She knew this was why she kept coming around to Jade's, kept putting up with the times when Jade would ignore her for a week or two, or throw an insult her way (it was rare, but it happened).

Cat gasped as Jade's hand found its way inside her shirt, brushing over her flat stomach, Jade's lips tracing over her jawline. "J-Jade?" Stuttered Cat as Jade's hand pushed underneath the waistband of her shorts brusquely, fingertips brushing over the petite girl's panties. This wasn't right, it was all happening way too fast... she didn't want to... "Unh," Cat moaned, bucking against Jade, unable to stop herself from responding. Jade pushed aside Cat's panties to touch her directly, pausing until Cat looked at her, the smaller girl's face flushed, lips parted as she panted slightly.

"Tell me you love me." Jade's voice was hoarse, jagged as she looked down at Cat.

Cat bit her lip. "Jade... I...I-"

Jade thrust her fingers into the younger girl suddenly, Cat's sentence choking off. Jade moved her fingers roughly inside Cat, the smaller girl moaning. "Say it."

"J-Jade... I... _unh._" Cat's eyes rolled back in her head as Jade rocked her hand, moving inside Cat brusquely.

"_Say it._" She hissed, holding her hand still again.

Cat sobbed out a breath, "I l-love you. Ah..." She moaned as Jade moved her fingers again, stroking her tight walls.

Jade's breath shuddered out, the older girl pressing her lips to Cat's neck in fervent kisses. Cat felt like she was melting, everything running together and pooling in her with Jade's movements. She whispered the words again, trying to speak over the lump in her throat, over the pleasure threading it's way up her spine, forcing the air out of her lungs as it rose. Cat felt herself tighten, her muscles clenched in anticipation of this thing that was building and building with every stroke of Jade's fingers. And somehow, even in the overwhelming sensations, Cat felt the bittersweetness of it. It was what she wanted, what a part of her did, anyway, but it wasn't how she wanted it, it wasn't even close.

Cat closed her eyes tight, her breath hitching as she climaxed, pushing her hips up into Jade, a strangled cry being forced from her by the overwhelming guttural pleasure crashing over her. She felt Jade's lips leave her neck, the spot quickly cooling, Jade's breath feathering against the flushed skin. She dragged her hand out of Cat's shorts, climbing off the smaller girl. Cat licked her lips, the remnants of pleasure still quivering through her, but reality setting in more firmly with every passing moment. She pushed herself up, looking worriedly at Jade's back, the brunette turned away from her on the edge of the bed.

"Jade?" Cat asked in a soft, hesitant voice. Cat was as lost as she'd ever been. They'd just... Jade had just... she had just... had sex. And it wasn't at all what she'd thought it would be, wasn't at all how she wanted it to be.

"Go." Jade's voice was low, spoken over her shoulder to Cat. Cat crawled closer, reaching out hesitantly.

"Jade..."

Jade turned slightly, looking at Cat from over her shoulder. "Get the fuck out Cat. Just go!"

Cat's hand recoiled as if burnt, stopping on it's path to Jade. "Wh-what's that sup-supposed to mean?"

"Don't you understand English? Get the _fuck_ out!"

Cat looked at her with a hurt, confused expression, tears starting to well in her eyes. "Jade, I-"

Jade stood abruptly, throwing her hands out and turning to face Cat. "What part of 'get the fuck out' don't you understand? Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House. Got it?" She forced a tight smile, gesturing towards the door.

Cat felt a tear spill out from her overflowing eyes, leaving a hot trail down her cheek. She stood, taking a liquid breath that hurt her lungs and practically ran out of the room, tears blurring her vision.

Cat began the long walk home almost automatically, crossing her arms against the slight chill in the air. And because if she didn't, she thought she might fly apart. With every step she was reminded of what happened, of Jade's lips, of Jade's touch. She didn't understand; that was what hurt her the most. She didn't understand Jade, and, even more, she didn't understand herself. It's not what she wanted from Jade. Sure, she wanted to kiss Jade, and she had feelings for the brunette, but she wasn't... she hadn't been ready to do that. To lose her virginity. But Jade had been so persistent, had barely given her a choice in the matter, and Cat honestly wasn't sure that if she _had_ said stop, that Jade would've. But is it still rape if you want it? The part of Cat she didn't understand... it was the part that _still_ wanted it, the part that responded to Jade's roughness, that pushed up against her, wanting more. Cat had always expected to be rejected by Jade, some day or another. But right after they'd just had sex? Right at when Cat had needed assurance the most, because she was already so hopelessly lost in her own feelings and what had just happened.

Cat sniffed, wiping her eyes, trudging along the side of the road. The worst part, the very hardest part that made her sob, her eyes brimming anew everytime she thought of it; she hadn't been lying when she'd said those words to Jade. Even as she'd said them, stuttering over the words out of want and lust, she'd felt the truth in them.

They say that honesty is the best policy. Cat had stripped off all her little lies, all her little assurances about what she felt for Jade, all the hidden feelings and justifications laid bare, and admitted to herself, and to Jade, what it was she felt. She'd went into the world naked, and she'd been laughed at. She'd thought Jade was a little like her; that she just wanted a friend to confide in. That maybe together, they could assuage each other's loneliness.

Cat took in a deep, cold breath, and it was like breathing liquid. She'd stopped swimming, let her head sink under the water and watched the light of the surface fade as she sank deeper. She was drowning, and she couldn't find the strength to swim anymore. What's more, she didn't think she wanted to. What was the point? Everything she'd had, everything she'd wanted had been taken from her, just as she'd realised it.

Cat stumbled, falling hard and skinning her hand and knee as she tried to catch herself. She bit her lip, whimpering and scooting back onto the grass beside the road. She didn't feel like walking anymore. She didn't feel like anything. She held her wrist tightly, her skinned palm stinging, blood starting to well up from the grit encrusted wound. She just wanted to sit for a little while, just until everything stopped hurting so much. Just until she could breath again.

Just until she drowned.

**A/N: Please review. I think this is the longest one-shot I've ever written, and I've tried to make Cat and Jade interesting but conflicted. If you think I've done a decent job, let me know. I might do a part two, but it probably won't be for a while. Let me know what you liked... feedback is delicious.**

**As always, thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2: Sinking

**Disclaimer: Every day, a knife in my heart. I don't own Victorious.**

"Cat? Is that you?"

Cat closed the front door quietly, limping to the doorway of her loungeroom where her mother's voice had called from. "Yeah."

Cat's mother frowned, seeing her daughter's skinned knee and slumped shoulders. "Are you okay honey?"

Cat forced a wan smile. "I'm fine. I just tripped is all." How could she tell her? How could she tell anyone? She didn't even know how to explain it to herself.

"Okay." Cat's mother's eyebrows furrowed, "Dinner's in twenty minutes."

"I'm not feeling very hungry mom. I... I think I'm just gonna go to bed." Cat ignored her mother's platitudes, walking slowly to her room, her knee still stinging, along with the palm of her hand. But that pain was dull compared to the aching in her chest. She didn't know how long she'd sat there in the grass, just rocking back and forth and trying... just trying to put herself back together from the pieces Jade had shattered her into. How was she supposed to feel? She didn't know, she just felt hollow, like Jade had taken something from her, had broken her and whatever was inside had leaked out, escaped.

Cat sat on her bed, drawing her knees up to her, wincing as her hand rubbed over the broken skin. At least that pain was tangible. She looked around her room, at the bright pastels, the soft toys littered everywhere, and for the first time felt a pang of disgust. She was such a child, such a baby. Why couldn't she grow up? She'd thought Jade had cared about her, maybe not in the way she'd hoped, but as a friend at least but... how could she do that to Cat? Her words were like shards of glass, slicing Cat up at her most vulnerable.

Cat couldn't stop her mind from remembering, and she brought her hand to her lips tentatively. Jade had kissed her, had brought her lips to Cat's and moved her tongue over Cat's lips. Cat's fingers rubbed over her lips, recalling the sensation, the taste. The way it had stolen her breath away. She tried to stop her mind there, tried to stop it from going any further. She pulled her knees tighter to her, trying to make herself as small as possible, closing her eyes against the garishness of her room.

It had been so easy. So, so easy for Jade to slip her hand into Cat's shorts and under her panties. So easy for her to take the one thing Cat could never get back, the one thing Cat had always thought would be special, would be amazing somehow when it was taken. It had been so easy for her to just move her fingers into Cat and take it away forever. All that crawled through Cat's mind was this; that she'd had sex; that she wasn't a virgin anymore – crawling over and over again. And maybe she'd be okay with that, maybe she could get over the fact that it wasn't how she imagined, that it wasn't romantic, that there wasn't a big build-up, that she wasn't in love with someone and they in love with her, but for afterwards.

What she'd wanted most was an explanation. No; what she'd wanted most was for Jade to kiss her again, tell her she was in love with her. But that was unrealistic. She'd wanted to know why, _why_ Jade had done this to her, she'd wanted to tell Jade that what she said was true. She'd wanted to stop being confused, to stop hiding how she felt.

When Jade had pushed her fingers into Cat, so roughly, so carelessly, it had hurt. It had hurt her, and she'd bucked up against Jade, something inside her snapping. She couldn't get over it, how very, very easy it was. How it had hurt her, so she'd felt like crying out, but someone had stolen her voice, and everything froze and that rush of pleasure came, overwhelming the pain as it grew stronger and Cat grew wetter. But even past the sensation, even past the involuntary responses her body had made, Cat had seen. She'd seen the look on Jade's face. It wasn't tender, it wasn't loving. Her face was set, broken like there was a crack running through it. She hadn't wanted Cat, but she'd taken her anyway, just because she knew she could. She knew how Cat felt about her; she'd have to be stupid not to. She'd seen how Cat would blush and stammer every time they casually touched, hell, she'd taken advantage of that. Cat knew that Jade knew, or at least had some idea. But Jade hadn't cared, hadn't acknowledged it at all, just ignored it and kept Cat by her side.

Cat bit her lip painfully hard, rocking back and forth on her bed. She was just a tool. A tool for Jade to use to... to... Cat wasn't sure what. She was an instrument to be played and Jade had snapped all the strings. And Jade? She didn't even care. Of course she didn't. But what about all the stuff Cat had done for her? What about the times she'd comforted her, hung out with her, done whatever she asked just to get a little attention? How could Jade just use her like that, pretend to like her for so long, if it was all a lie? And for what? To sleep with Cat? That didn't make any sense.

Cat had some of the threads, but she couldn't tie them together, couldn't see the sweater she was unravelling. She was picking it apart, but not enough. And the more she picked at it, the more painful the realisations were. She just wanted to sleep, to sleep forever and pretend this never happened, that she never met Jade, forget that even the thought of her name could still make her heart beat faster. But most of all, she wanted to feel whole again, to feel pure, to have back what Jade took from her, what she hadn't been ready to lose. To have a choice. She couldn't help but feel it wouldn't have been any different though. Would she really have said no?

Cat's eyes felt itchy and red, but she couldn't cry anymore, couldn't bring herself to feel sorry for herself. Maybe she'd had it coming, maybe she'd deserved it. Part of her wanted it. Part of her _still_ wanted it. Maybe this is what she got for having a crush on Jade and not telling her, for pretending to be her friend when all she wanted was to be with her, even as her mind rebelled and told her that wasn't true. She felt washed out and hollow, falling back on the bed and curling into the foetal position until she fell asleep, hoping to never wake up.

She awoke, feeling dull and heavy, her alarm screeching at her. She got up wearily, feeling less than refreshed from her sleep. How could she rest when there was this weight pressing on her? This weight called Jade. Cat studied herself in the mirror as she got dressed, not bothering to shower, tossing her stained underwear in the corner, unable to look at the rust-coloured blood spots on them. She'd never felt this way... she looked into her own chocolate eyes, reflected back at her, and she saw nothing. No light, no spark. Just... just dead. She tried smiling, forcing it onto her face, and it almost looked real. She steeled herself, injecting false cheer into her step, into her face, in a crass imitation of life.

She kept it on as she got to school, mechanically working the combination on her locker, even though everything seemed too bright, too sunny for how she felt, turning with a cheerful smile as a finger tapped her shoulder. Jade. Cat felt her mask falter and fall away, saw Jade's eyebrows furrow as she saw it happen. "Cat, can we talk?"

Cat couldn't bring herself to speak, nodding slightly. She hated how her body still reacted to Jade, how her nose relished the scent of Jade's perfume, how her skin tingled wherever Jade touched it.

Jade led her into an empty classroom, shutting the door behind them. She turned to Cat. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. I... I don't know what came over me. Can we just forget it ever happened?"

Cat stared at Jade in disbelief. How could Jade be so flippant about it, so dismissive of what happened? She talked about it as if it were nothing, as if it were some stupid thing like an insult or some regretful thing she hadn't meant to do. How could you not mean to do something like that? Didn't she have any of idea of what she'd done to Cat? "You... you don't know?" She said in a soft voice, wonderingly. "You're sorry?"

Jade's eyebrows furrowed. "Yeah. I'm sorry... I guess I was just upset about Beck and-"

"You're _sorry_? You don't even know?" Cat choked out, taking a hoarse breath. "You don't e-even know what you did?" She said almost hysterically.

Jade frowned. "Cat, calm down... it's not that big of a deal. I slept with you, yeah, and I'm sorry... I shouldn't have taken advantage of you. Look, I don't usually apologise to anyone, so you should feel lucky I'm- Cat?"

Cat's shoulders shook violently, tears spilling unheeded from the red velvet haired girl's eyes. "Not that big a deal? Y-you... y-you..."

Jade studied Cat confusedly. "What? It's not like you never..." A muscle twitched in her face as she realised. "You... you never?" She said softly, the hardness falling from her face. "Oh fuck. Fuck, Cat... I didn't... I didn't mean to-"

Cat wiped at her eyes, taking an uneven breath, speaking almost to herself. "It was _so easy_, so, so easy for you to just... just..." She looked up at Jade, a conflicted expression on the brunette's face. "I d-didn't want to." She whispered hoarsely.

"Why didn't you say no? Why didn't you stop me?" Questioned Jade, biting her lip.

Cat shook her head. "Would you? Would you have stopped? I... what I said Jade... I meant it. I loved you... I... I _do_ love you, but you... you hurt me _so much_. " Cat put a hand to her stomach, this tight, painful band constricting her until she couldn't breathe.

"Cat... I'm so sorry. Please, please... I never meant to... Fuck!" Jade ran a hand through her hair anxiously. "Look... I can't do this Cat... Beck and I are back together, and I'm so sorry, I am, I swear. If... if I had known, I would never have... please Cat, please forgive me... you're my only friend, and I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you, I swear." Jade took Cat's hands tentatively, rubbing her thumbs in small circles over the younger girl's knuckles. "Can we just forget about it, please?"

Cat let out a long breath, her eyes downcast. She'd never heard Jade so desperate, so pleading... she'd never heard Jade be sincerely sorry before. "Okay." She said in a small, defeated voice. "It... it never happened." She knew it was wrong, she knew that this wasn't what any self-respecting person would do. She'd admitted she loved Jade, and what did it get her? An apology, and, more insultingly, a request to be friends. A rejection. But she did love Jade, and part of her still believed in the brunette, even if it killed her inside to do so. She still wanted Jade, at any price. She knew that even now, while Jade was genuinely sorry, genuinely regretful, part of her was still taking advantage of Cat's feelings, still playing on Cat's affections for her. Why else would she be holding Cat's hands? And it worked, it worked like it always had in the past, and Cat realising it didn't change it.

She followed Jade out, wiping her eyes and sniffing. She'd just have to push it down, pretend it never happened like Jade said, because she couldn't live with remembering it, with having it there in her mind everytime she went to do something.

It was nothing. Jade had apologised, and everything was okay. Cat put her mask on again. It was time to pretend, and maybe if she pretended hard enough, it would come true and she'd get over it. She just had to try harder.

**A/N: So, I know some of you were against a second part to this. I hope I haven't disappointed. There may be another part, or even four, but it's not gonna be happy. This is gonna be a dismal, sordid little fic, and if you like it so far, please, let me know. I'll do my best to make it worse.**

**That is, worse in circumstances, not worse as in lesser quality. 'Cause that'd just be stupid.**


	3. Chapter 3: Drowning

**Disclaimer: Victorious, much like that car I took, does not belong to me.**

"..._Well we're done_!" Jade shouted, closing the door behind her. "What are you all looking at?" She glared around the classroom, the rest of the class quickly averting their eyes, chatter starting up again. Jade sat heavily next to Cat, dropping her bag on the floor. She ignored the teacher as he started the lesson, touching Cat's knee to get her attention. "Hey, Cat!"

Cat turned her face to Jade. Jade frowned. It was like there was something different about Cat, like it took a moment for her to start up... like she was an engine turning over before she caught, and became regular Cat. Jade shrugged it off mentally. Cat was probably just off in her own little world again. "I was thinking, we should do one of your random thoughts for the Slap."

Cat smiled. "Yeah, we should."

That was another thing, thought Jade. Cat had always seemed to chatter away like some excited dolphin, but lately her voice seemed slower... normal almost. "Do you wanna do it this afternoon?"

Cat perked up noticeably. "Sure... but my parents don't get home till late."

Jade nodded. "That's okay. We'll go in my car."

Cat was trying. She really was. And there were times, just... just brief moments where she forgot, when Jade would say something to her and she'd feel giddy again, before she had to remind herself that it was nothing. That it was worse than nothing, because she knew what it was like, and knew how much it could hurt. She wasn't the same. She was stupid to think she would be. And maybe she should've stopped talking to Jade, maybe she should've talked to someone about what happened, but what difference would it make? It wouldn't change the way she felt. It wouldn't change what happened.

What happened... Cat hated how much it meant to her, hated how she'd clutch it tight to her every night before she went to sleep. Hated how it was still Jade's face she saw, still Jade's fingers inside her whenever she touched herself. That horrible experience, one that had disillusioned her, one that had robbed something from her... it still meant more than anything else, and she treasured it, because what else did she have? And even though Jade had rejected her, she'd still cared enough to apologise, to try and keep Cat as her friend. At least she meant _something_ to Jade.

So she tried. She tried to be the Cat she remembered being, because that was the Cat Jade liked, that was the Cat that was happy, and maybe if she acted like it, she'd be it eventually, and it was the only Cat she knew how to be. Tori noticed though. Cat wasn't perfect, and she was just so tired of forcing herself to be cheery. She hadn't remembered it being this hard before. But what could she say to Tori? Tori knew something was wrong, but she just thought Cat had fought with Jade. She'd told Cat that she didn't even know why she hung around Jade, when all Jade did was insult her, treat her like a pet. How could Cat explain? Jade had asked her not to tell, to pretend it never happened, so she tried. She kept it buried away like she did the time when Jade had first kissed her. But this was so much bigger, so, so much bigger and so much more painful. Sometimes she just wanted to tell Tori everything, to have Tori tell her it was going to be okay, to make her feel better. To make her feel whole again. But Tori wasn't magic, and Cat didn't want to put that burden onto anyone else. It hurt enough with just her knowing. So she locked it away, whitewashed over it, and it didn't spill out in the day. It stayed behind that wall, and even though she knew it was there, she could force it away with a smile, at least until she was alone.

Jade was nicer to her though. Especially for a few days after. She was almost... pleasant. She actually acted like she felt bad, like she cared about Cat... like she was actually sorry for what she'd done. It'd been... nice, to have Jade treat her way, but it made it that much harder to keep her mask up. Jade treating her that way just made her remember _why_ Jade was being so nice to her. But it stopped after a while. Cat's mask was good enough to fool Jade, or maybe Jade had just stopped looking. It was almost a relief... almost like things were back to normal. But Cat wasn't a virgin anymore. That was the thought that popped into her head to remind her every time she forgot for a moment. She wasn't a virgin anymore, Jade had had her fingers inside her, had made her come, had kissed her so fervently. How could she forget that? Part of her didn't want to.

Jade talked to her throughout the lesson, and Cat made all the right responses, all the right sounds she was supposed to make. Jade hadn't changed. She had for a little while, but then she went right back to being Jade. Cat still loved her, against reason, but it wasn't the same innocent crush she'd had before, when she'd looked at Jade like she could do no wrong, when she'd basically exploded everytime Jade would touch her, or smile at her. No, the innocence was gone. Cat didn't want to be in love with Jade anymore... it only hurt her. Maybe she could've gotten over her little crush eventually, if nothing had happened, but no, she had this, as painful as it was, to feed it. No matter how many times she tried to tell herself it wasn't real, that it was a mistake, she couldn't stop how Jade made her feel. It was love, but it was torture.

The bell chimed, Jade taking Cat's wrist and pulling her up. "Come on. Let's go then." Cat hated the way the hairs on her arm rose, just from Jade touching her. She hated how her body still reacted this way, how she was still excited to be spending time with the brunette girl.

Cat was cheery on the car trip, her knees pressed together tight as she chattered away to Jade about the first thing that popped into her head. Well, not the first thing, but the first thing she could talk about. Jade's smile could still make her heart beat funny.

Jade paused as she walked into Cat's room. "Your room, it's... different." The last time Jade had been there it'd been overwhelming, covered in flowers and posters and soft toys. The dream of a dozen little girls. It was almost bare now, the posters of boy bands and bunnies gone, only a few soft toys scattered untidily around the room.

Cat smiled wearily. It was harder to keep the act up at home. "I'm not a little girl anymore. That stuff was stupid."

Jade frowned, examining the red velvet haired girl. She shook her head, turning on the camcorder. "Okay, let's do this. If you just wanna sit on the bed and say whatever comes into your head... aaaand, we're good." She pointed at Cat, her face hidden by the camera.

Cat hated that this camcorder didn't have a red light. It confused her. She always thought that Jade was playing a trick on her. It was the kind of thing she'd do. She sat on the bed uneasily, biting her lip. "Uh, hi. It's me, Cat..." She paused.

"And?" Jade prompted.

"A-and..." Cat sighed, her mask slipping. "Jade... I.. I can't do this."

"Why not?" Jade frowned, taking the camcorder away from her face.

"I'm... tired." Cat said in a small voice.

Jade turned off the camcorder, setting it down and sitting next to Cat. "Seriously, what's going on with you?"

Cat glanced at Jade nervously. She was too close again. "Nothing, I just-"

"Do you still love me?" Jade studied Cat intently.

Cat picked at her quilt, chewing her lip. "Yes."

Jade licked her lips, still staring at Cat. "Then kiss me."

Cat paused, not sure of what she just heard. "What?" Why was Jade doing this? It was some kind of cruel trick, it had to be. Why else would she ask Cat to do something like that?

"Kiss me." Jade's green eyes flicked between Cat's eyes and her lips.

"A-are you serious?" Cat said softly, scanning Jade's face for any sort of reason, any sort of sense as to why she'd be saying this.

Jade nodded, parting her lips slightly. Cat could still remember the last time Jade had kissed her, what it had felt like. It made her lips tingle, made her stomach churn sickly once she remembered everything else that came with it. But she just wanted to do it, one last time. Whatever game Jade was playing, Cat couldn't help but play along. She just wanted to kiss her... she'd never kissed Jade before, it'd always been the other way around. Cat leaned in, subdued, watching as Jade's eyes closed. She knew it was bad idea, she knew it'd only hurt so much more later, but she was weak. She just wanted to pretend for a little while. Cat licked her lips nervously before they met the brunette girl's ones in a tentative kiss.

She still loved her. How else could kissing her make Cat feel this way? It made her feel like she was on fire, but it was a wet fire that smouldered in her insides and slowly consumed her. Jade responded, deepening the kiss, her hands moving to Cat's waist, Cat's own hands trembling on the brunette's face. Cat felt her heart speed up, adrenaline tingling through her veins, but when her heart beat now, it hurt, just a little, made it just a little bit harder for to breathe.

Cat broke away from Jade with an effort, moving off the bed. Jade looked at her curiously. "Why are you doing this to me?" Cat asked, trying to regain her breath, trying to calm down, and utterly perplexed.

Jade's eyebrows furrowed. "Doing what?"

"Kissing me. It doesn't mean anything." It felt like Cat was spewing broken glass, because it hurt so much to say it, tore up her insides on the way out. "Y-you ask me if I still love you? You ask me to kiss you? What about Beck?" _Why?_ Why did Jade have to do things like this? How could she do this to Cat? It wasn't fair, not to anyone.

Jade stood, sighing. "Beck and me are finished. For good." Cat backed away from the taller girl as she approached until she hit the wall. She didn't like this, she didn't like the way her skin was buzzing, the way her heart felt too big for her chest. Jade stopped, uncomfortably close to Cat, the red velvet haired girl trying to squish herself back into the wall. "What happened before Cat... that was a mistake." She said softly, studying Cat, who tried valiantly to avoid her gaze, feeling like a pinned butterfly in some lepidopterist's collection. Jade had scooped her up in a net, and now she couldn't fly anymore, could only beat her wings in vain. "Cat, I have feelings for you. I shouldn't have acted on them before when I was with Beck. But I'm not anymore. I still want you."

"Please don't do this." Cat whispered, her voice barely audible, Jade's hand tilting her chin up.

Jade kissed her again, Cat making a soft noise, her eyes shut tight, lashes matted with unshed tears. She couldn't... she didn't want this, but she couldn't stop. Her heart, her stupid, traitorous heart. Why was she so weak? Why couldn't she just... stop?

Jade pulled back, licking her lips, eyes tracing over Cat solemnly. "I want you." She repeated, and Cat wondered what gave her the right, what made Jade think just because she wanted Cat, that that was enough. But then Cat remembered it was enough, and she wished it wasn't. She wished she wanted more, expected more.

Jade brought a hand to Cat's face, tilting her chin up and capturing her in another kiss, Cat powerless, her hands just trying to find a place to stay on Jade's hips. She couldn't... she couldn't move. Part of her wanted to fight, to tell Jade to just stop, because this wasn't real. It hurt.

Cat moaned as Jade's tongue pushed it's way inside her mouth, caressing her own hotly. She felt her hips push into Jade despite herself, her body betraying her. She wanted to beg Jade to please, please stop, and please, please keep going.

Jade broke the kiss, lifting Cat's shirt over her head brusquely, tossing the material aside. Her hands were quick to find Cat, to touch over her skin, raising goosebumps. She crushed her lips against Cat's desperately, stealing her breath, leaving Cat gasping and trembling, Jade's fingers bruising over her ribs. Cat couldn't... she couldn't... Jade's body was pressed up against her, holding her up, and there was so much pain in her, her heart was hurting so much, she couldn't... she just can't. She let out a muffled sob against Jade's lips, Jade mistaking it for a moan. The brunette shuddered, her hands moving to fumble with the catch to Cat's pants, tugging them down. She broke the kiss for a moment, glancing down. Cat's breath chattered out, tears in it. "J-Jade, p-please..."

Jade didn't hear her, didn't want to. Cat wanted her, she knew that, otherwise she wouldn't have kissed her back, wouldn't be letting her touch her, wouldn't be pushing into her. Cat loved her. She grit her teeth, thrusting her hand inside Cat's now open pants. "Say it. Say you love me Cat."

Cat sobbed again, closing her eyes tight as Jade's hand stroked over the front of her panties. Jade shuddered, her fingers rubbing over the dampened material. "P-please Cat," Jade's voice broke, hoarse. "Please say it. I need you to say it."

Cat's hip bucked forward, that torturous pleasure flickering through her. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why did it have to feel so good? "I... I love y-you." Cat stuttered, her eyes shut tight, keeping the tears in. "P-please Jade..."

Jade pushed aside Cat's panties, her fingers impatient, pushing themselves inside of Cat. Cat sobbed, her body jerking, a rush of pleasure sweeping through her. Her body pushed herself against Jade, shameless, wanting more. Jade kissed Cat unsteadily, her breath shivering out in little staccato bursts against the red velvet haired girl's soft lips. Cat's lips trembled as she struggled to respond to the kiss, turmoil raging in her, and that pleasure, that pleasure that twisted her heart so much, just growing inside of her. It... it felt so good, but... it hurt _so much_. She moaned as Jade's fingers curled inside of her, stroking her tight walls, Jade's body pressed tight against Cat's, pinning her.

Cat tried to get her limbs to work, tried to get her brain to work, and when that failed, she tried to switch them off. It hurt so much, she couldn't breathe, she didn't want to feel this pleasure, this pain. She just wanted to be numb, for Jade to just leave her alone, to stop doing this to her. She wanted to escape into her mind like she always could before, like she always had when things hurt too much. But she couldn't... she couldn't pretend that this wasn't Jade inside of her, that it wasn't Jade's lips crushed against hers, muffling her whimpers, that it wasn't Jade's body pressed tight against hers, almost hurting her, suffocating her.

Jade moved her fingers harder, shivering, her lips still hard on Cat's, her kisses forceful, teeth nipping at Cat's lip, breath shuddering against the smaller girl's face. Cat cried out, hips bucking into Jade's and being forced back. She couldn't stop it... she could feel it building and she didn't want to but it felt so good and she couldn't... she couldn't...

Cat's body jerked, her muscles tightening as she came, a sob ripped from her, torn from her chest. Jade kissed her again, moaning softly, Cat's lips trembling and unresponsive against hers. Cat's body relaxed, spasms racking her torso. Jade pulled her hand out of Cat's pants, wiping it on her pants leg, pushing herself off the smaller girl. She ran a hand through her hair, brushing it back with a sigh. Cat's body shook... she couldn't stop it... she couldn't keep the pain inside... it was spilling out everywhere and she couldn't stop it. She couldn't keep all the sounds inside, a soft, gasped breath escaping her, the tears brimming in her eyes. She hugged her arms to herself, legs trembling against the wall, head bowed.

Jade frowned. "Cat? Cat... are you okay? What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" She grabbed hold of Cat's shoulders, straightening her up, taking hold of her face and forcing the red velvet haired girl to look at her. "Why are you crying? Cat?" Jade's voice had a note of panic in it, seeing how distressed Cat was.

Cat sobbed, panting for breath, broken words forming on her lips, unable to come out, just fragments that cut her breath, the hesitated in her throat and made her choke. She couldn't stop it, she couldn't stop the spasms shaking her, racking her, making her muscles clench so tight it hurt. It felt like something was being ripped free from her, torn from her insides and pulled out, and it was grabbing on with barbed hooks trying to stay in, clawing at her insides. She felt her legs buckle, Jade following her as she slid down the wall onto the carpet. She couldn't stop.

"Fuck. Cat... I'm sorry. Fuck. What did I do?" Jade stroked Cat's hair, biting her lip, anger on her face. "Fuck. Cat... I... please, Cat... what's wrong?" She brushed a tear away from Cat's cheek, the red velvet haired girl flinching. Jade's eyebrows dipped down. She stood. "Fuck. Cat... I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't... I'm sorry, okay? Why are you crying? I thought... fuck." Jade paced back and forth, hands clenched in her hair. "Stop crying. Please? Cat... _fuck_." Jade crossed to the bed, picking up the camcorder. "I... I have to go Cat... I can't... I'm just making things worse. I'm sorry, I am." She sighed angrily. "Why do I have to fuck everything up? Fuck." Jade looked down at Cat, her face conflicted before she left, closing the door softly behind her.

Cat put her head in her hands, fingers trembling as they threaded through the ruby locks of her hair, clenching around them, tugging them. Why couldn't she stop Jade? Why did she still love the brunette girl, even now? Cat squeezed her legs together, still feeling a remnant of that pleasure throbbing inside of her. It'd happened again, so easily, so quickly, so effortlessly, and Cat hadn't done a thing. She'd let herself be used, and, what's more... a tiny flicker of hope bloomed inside her. A tiny shoot of optimism amidst the blackened, charred decay of her heart, that said, _Maybe she does have feelings for you, maybe she does want you_. But it was quiet amidst the rest of the voices, the one's that told her to run after Jade, to stay, that Jade was just using her, that Jade didn't care for her at all, that she deserved this. There were a million voices chattering in her head, and she yelled at them, she cowered under them, she tried so hard to get them to be quiet. She tugged at her hair, willing them, begging them to please, please be quiet. She couldn't deal with it, couldn't deal with the pain, the fear, but most of all, the hope. It was so fragile inside of, kept inside a glass jar that Jade kept smashing, only to replace it with an even smaller one, until eventually the sides of the jar started crushing that hope. But it was still there, still niggling at her. What if? What if? What if this time Jade had meant it?

Cat's body shook. She couldn't do this, she couldn't take this pain, this love. But she couldn't get the 'what if?' out of her mind.

**A/N: One more part left. I know you guys were curious to see how things could get worse... well, they can, and they have.**

**So please review, and tell me if you're slavering for the next part.**


	4. Chapter 4: The End

**Disclaimer: Victorious. Nup.**

Cat had never liked the darkness. Her imagination filled it with things that could hurt her, things she couldn't see that would creep up on her. She'd had a nightlight for most of her childhood. The monsters had never been in her closet, no... they'd been everywhere. They'd been innocent things that changed as soon as they couldn't be seen, that grew fangs and prowled around her, wanting to hurt her. The dark was like a blanket pressing over her, covering her eyes and her body and her mouth, and no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't see.

It was almost comforting now. Cat had always struggled against it, always strained to see some light, to pry that smothering darkness off her. But once she gave in, her knees drawn up to her chin, arms wrapped tight around them, pressed into a corner of her room, it wasn't so bad. Having that heavy blanket draped over her, it almost made her feel safe now. And the monsters? They couldn't hurt her more than she was already hurting. She couldn't stand the light right now. She couldn't stand to see her floral wallpaper, her still too-bright room. She couldn't stand to see herself. At least in the dark, things were still. At least in the dark, she could stop. She didn't have to pretend to be together, to be the Cat that people thought she was. That Jade thought she was. She didn't have to be Cat at all. She'd never minded being Cat, in fact, she'd liked being Cat. Cat was happy. She didn't feel like Cat. Cat felt like a shell to her, a piece of clothing she put on in the morning to cover her nakedness. She could just be this feeling in the dark. She could just be this emotion. She could just be this pain. She could peel off that ill-fitting skin.

Cat didn't understand. It didn't make sense to her, that her heart could actually hurt. That it could hurt so much over just a feeling. It wasn't real. How could it hurt? How could it actually hurt her? And the darkness crept in through her ears and settled over her brain, covering it. It was almost calming, almost numbing. She'd stopped crying. She'd cried until there wasn't any meaning in it any more. It was just this dull ache, this throbbing in her head and this pain in her heart. The voices in her head subsided, turned hoarse and stuttered out. Her mind felt thick and slow, creeping forward over it's thoughts ponderously, picking out a path to follow, stumbling over the broken pieces towards a shining, persistent glimmer. What if Jade did like her that way? Could she really...? Cat had never hoped... no, that wasn't true. She had hoped, but she'd squashed it down, because there was some hope that helped and some hope that didn't, and she didn't need her heart tripping over itself everytime she saw Jade. Not that it didn't anyway. But whatever Cat had hoped for, it wasn't this. She'd wanted Jade to like her like she liked Jade, and she wasn't even sure Jade did, despite the brunette's actions. If Jade liked her, how could she do that? How could she just... how was it so easy for her? Cat could never even think about doing that to someone. About hurting someone that way. Maybe it was her... maybe she deserved it, to be hurt that way. Maybe she wanted it. She'd never stopped Jade, never really tried to. It was better that Jade had left. But... but what if Jade did like her? She couldn't stop the thought from creeping into her mind, from whispering to her.

Cat raised her head from her knees, sniffing. What if Jade had meant it? Cat felt a flutter in her heart. What if... what if she and Jade could be together? What if they could get past this? Jade had said she was finished with Beck, that... that she wanted to be with her. What if they could be together? What if everything Cat wanted could come true, and she could hold Jade's hand, and kiss her. Cat felt a soft smile tug at her lips at the thought. It made her heart hurt a little less, and she stood, her legs stiff from sitting so long, muscles shaky. Cat opened her door carefully, peeking out. Her eyes felt hot and dry, like whatever moisture had been in them had been cried out and not replaced, like a poison had been drained from her. She waded through the darkness of her house to the bathroom, the door shutting with a soft click, light flickering on with a hum. She tried not to look at herself, instead twisting the tap on, the sound of the water echoing off the tiles as she splashed water on her face, cooling the flushed skin. Maybe... maybe things could be okay. Cat was still in her. The Cat she was before... but that Cat was scared, was shocked into hiding. That Cat was a child. Maybe she could be that Cat again, the one she remembered being before this, the one she was only fragments of now. Maybe she could join herself back together, and be a person Jade could love.

Cat shut off the tap, grabbing a handtowel and wiping her face, letting out a long breath it felt like she'd been holding forever. She finally looked at herself, a few drops of water still dripping from her face. Her eyes were wide, bloodshot, but she could see something in them, and when she smiled, it almost felt real, even just the physical act of doing so made her feel a little better. She had to stop doing this, she had to stop crushing her hope all the time. She had to trust in Jade... Jade wouldn't hurt her like that again, she hadn't meant to the first time. Maybe Jade was just as confused as she was. She wasn't being fair to Jade. Cat lifted that glass cover off her hope, and let it bloom. Everything was going to be okay. She was sick of feeling hollow, she needed something to fill her, something to banish that hurt. She had to peel this wet sheet off her brain, and let the light in. She wanted to be Cat again, and maybe she could be if she'd just let herself.

She padded back to her room, shutting the door and crawling under her covers and bunching them around her. She still wallowed in the darkness, it was still safer there, but she had something to hold onto. A promise that things would be different, that they could be. A pinpoint of light in the dark. A star to fix on, to aim for.

* * *

Cat brushed her hair back with a hand, studying it in the mirror, nodding eventually, satisfied. When she tried out a smile, it didn't feel as forced, didn't feel as hollow. It wasn't as hard today. The mask was easier to put on, fit closer to her skin. She felt almost like Cat, like she felt before... before everything. Her heart still beat just as fast as always when she thought of Jade, it just hurt a little more. Jade had her hand around it now, and Cat didn't think Jade realised how tight her grip was.

For the first time in a while, Cat noticed it was sunny. She was sure it'd been sunny yesterday, and maybe the day before that, but when she remembered, everything seemed grey. The days may have been sunny, but this was the first day in a long time that it'd felt like it. Cat's hope was fragile, she knew that, and she tried to rein it in a little, but it was her... she couldn't stop her mind from leaping forward, from picturing her and Jade together, holding hands, kissing, laughing... being happy together. Cat's mother had always said that she sprinted before she could walk, and that's why she always ended up tripping and hurting herself, but Cat had never been good at walking, even in real life. She always wanted to see what was ahead, faster than her legs would let her. If she hadn't been an actress, Cat thought she might've been a marathon runner. She hated track; what was the point of running in a circle? You never saw anything new, just the same thing, again and again.

Cat tried to contain herself on the way to school, barely registering what her mother said to her, until eventually she gave up, turning up the radio, the sound of a morning news program filling the car. As painful as the memories of yesterday were, Cat couldn't help but replay what Jade said to her, right before, couldn't help but hear the words in a variety of ways, until she wasn't sure what tone Jade had said them in, or how Jade's face had looked when she said them, the memory polluted by her own imagination, her own hopes, her own rose-coloured glasses. She tried not to remember the next bit, what happened after. She tried not to remember Jade leaving. She tried to forget the time spent in her room, face buried in her lap as the light slowly faded until she was alone in the dark, face wet and head thick, stuffed with cotton wool.

Cat climbed out of the car as her mother pulled up to the kerb, waving goodbye and pulling her bag out, a smile on her face. And each time Cat smiled, she felt like it got that much closer to reaching her eyes, that much closer to being real. To being a smile she could feel in her heart, instead of a smile that pushed over the tightness in her throat.

Jade turned from her locker as she felt a hand tentatively tap her back, eyes widening when she saw it was Cat. Cat wasn't sure whether to smile or frown or... she didn't know how to act around Jade. Her stomach told her to smile, but her heart said she probably shouldn't, and her brain just twisted itself around in knots and refused to tell her anything.

"Cat..." Jade shifted uneasily, closing her locker door. "Are you... okay?"

Cat chewed her lip. Was she okay? She didn't even know. She was just... parts of her were okay, but then there were parts that weren't, and some parts were good, but she wasn't sure what all those parts added up to. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday..." Jade looked around, Cat jumping when she felt Jade's fingers brush her elbow. "Can we...Cat, we need to talk." Jade's voice was low, Cat nodding, unable to stop the flutter in her heart.

Cat's heart felt like it was bursting out of her chest by the time they reached the auditorium, Jade closing the door behind them. Cat wondered if Jade could hear it, because the sound of it was thundering in her ears, filling the silence. Jade leant against the door for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning to Cat. "Cat..." Jade put a hand to her forehead, nailpolish chipped black. "I'm sorry, okay? About... about everything." Jade took her hand away from her face, eyes flicking to meet Cat's briefly before skittering away.

Cat smiled, shrugging. "It's okay."

Jade raised her head, staring at Cat, eyebrows tugged down till they almost met over the bridge of her nose. "What? 'It's okay'? Cat, you wouldn't stop... crying." Jade said the last word slowly, her face softening.

Cat shifted uncomfortably. She wanted to pretend that that part wasn't real, that it'd never happened. She wanted to remember Jade like this; concerned, not the Jade yesterday, who hadn't listened to her, who'd hurt her... who'd left. It made the tears want to come back, made the pit of her stomach drop out and her legs go wobbly. It made her forget how to live. Cat didn't want to remember. She looked down at her hands, fingers crawling over each other nervously. "Did you mean what you said?" Cat said softly, sneaking a glance up at Jade, the taller girl chewing her lip.

"I said a lot of stuff Cat."

Cat twisted her mouth. "Th-that you want me." Cat circled a hand around her wrist, gripping tight, not daring to look at Jade. She didn't want to see Jade's answer in her face.

Jade let out a long breath. "Cat..." She began eventually, "I... I _do_ want you... I did want you, but-"

"B-but?" Cat couldn't stop the word squeaking out of her, heart thudding so hard it was starting to hurt, to shake her body, rattle against her ribs.

Jade sighed heavily, turning away from the red velvet haired girl, Cat flinching as she did so. "But... I was upset. Cat... you have to understand, I-" She stole a glance back at Cat, "I still love Beck."

Cat swallowed hard, forcing her heart back down her throat. "So you and Beck...?"

Jade nodded. "We're back together." The brunette girl turned to face Cat again. "Cat, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for... for what happened yesterday to happen. I was upset, and..." Jade twisted her mouth, looking down. "I just needed someone to love me."

Cat fought to stop tears from spilling over her eyelashes, trying to push them back into her eyes through sheer force of will. But Cat had always been weak. She didn't... if she cried she'd fall apart, and she didn't want to, she didn't want to fall apart. She wanted to stay whole, even fragmented as she was. "So... it was a lie?" Cat's voice shook, barely above a whisper.

Jade shook her head. "It wasn't a lie Cat, but... it couldn't happen. It can't, you know it can't." She lifted a hand, a thumb brushing away a stray tear that had escaped Cat's eyes. "Look at what I've already done to you." She took her hand away, rubbing her wet thumb and index finger together to demonstrate to Cat. "I don't love you Cat. I love Beck. And you don't love me."

Cat sniffed, shaking her head furiously, "I do. I love you." She swiped the back of her hand across her face, wiping away more hot tears that had spilled.

Jade looked at her in disbelief. "_Why?_ Why do you love me?"

"I don't want to. I don't want to anymore."

Jade circled a hand around Cat's wrist, pulling her hand away from her face. "Then don't. I'm not worth it, Cat."

Cat pulled her wrist free, backing away from Jade. "Don't you think I've tried? I've tried so hard Jade, but I _can't_. I don't want to be in love with you. I'm not enough." Cat looked up at Jade, her eyes wide, the tears streaming freely, unheeded. "I know I'm not enough, I do, it's okay. B-but I can't stop it hurting." She put a hand to her chest tentatively, touching over her heart. "Please Jade. M-make it stop hurting, please?"

"Cat..." Jade stared at the smaller girl, green eyes wide, her arm half reaching out to the crying girl before dropping back to her side, hand loosely clenching into a fist. "I'm sorry." Jade took a deep breath, her shoulders slumping. "Cat, I'm so sorry." She lifted her hand again, fingers reaching out before recoiling back as she sighed. "Fuck." She flinched as Cat sobbed. "Cat, I'm not worth... I'm not worth this. I can't... I don't know how to help you, I don't... I don't know what to do." Jade ran a hand through her hair, biting her lip and swearing again. "I just fuck everything up Cat. I just... I never meant to... I just needed someone to love me." She sighed again, closing her eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. "Cat... I'm gonna get Lane, okay? Just... just stay here, okay?" Jade's fingertips brushed Cat's shoulder lightly, hesitantly, lingering for a moment before the brunette turned away, looking back as she exited the auditorium.

Cat wiped her eyes roughly, hiccuping. She didn't want to talk to Lane. She didn't want to talk to anyone. She'd been to therapists before, a lot of them, and they all looked at her the same way. With that pity. They made her talk but they never listened. How could she even explain this clawing in her chest? Jade was stroking her face with one hand, and digging her nails into Cat's heart with the other. Cat stumbled towards the exit, taking deep breaths, wiping her face with her sleeves and sniffing. She left. Jade left her, again. That was all Cat could think, all she could focus on. It was all she could ever fucking focus on; Jade, Jade, Jade. She wanted Jade out of her head, out of her heart. Jade was a drug, flooding her system, infecting her brain, poisoning her, but she was addicted. She was hopelessly hooked on her.

She couldn't stay here, couldn't pretend to be okay anymore, to go to class, and to talk to Tori, to Robbie, to anyone, and act like she wasn't sloughing apart in painful chunks. Friends ask questions, strangers don't care, and just wanted to be alone, to not have to look at anyone, to look at all these people who didn't care, all these people that could hurt her, all these people she could see Jade in.

Cat blinked. Somehow she'd made it outside, the sun shining down on her. And it didn't seem so sunny anymore. She saw everything blurred through tears, and it drained the world of colour. She saw everything, and it meant nothing. She just wanted to go home, even as the word rang hollow to her. Home. It's where the heart is, and Cat's heart had been evicted, rejected from it's home. Home to her now was just a place where could be alone, where she could lick her wounds, and pretend like her heart was still her own. Cat took a deep breath, pressing her fingertips to her temples. She needed to push it down, she couldn't... she couldn't break down here, she couldn't be here, where she felt more alone among everyone than she did when she was by herself. She shoved it down, pushed it back inside her and sewed up her bursting seams. She just had to make it home. Cat tried to get her legs working, keeping her eyes downcast, away from the world. She knew how to make it home from Hollywood Arts, the difficulty would be in trying not to think on the way.

* * *

Cat let herself into the house, shutting the door slowly, quietly. Her parents were at work, her brother, well... Cat had no idea what he did most days, but he was rarely home. Cat's room was her sanctuary, the one place that was hers and hers alone, that she imbued with her self. But it just made her sick now, seeing what she was, what she'd been. She'd been so stupid, so naïve, such a... a child. All the things she'd thought were cute, were adorable, they repulsed her now, the bright, simple colours, the care she'd taken in picking out the cutest things she could find. What was the point? She had to grow up. This room wasn't hers anymore, it was the Cat she was before, but she wasn't that girl anymore. She didn't know where that girl was... the only sign left was this room, making her aware of the disparity between what she used to be, and whatever she was now.

Cat dropped her bag at the foot of the bed, moving to sit on it, mattress squeaking. She sat there for a moment, staring blankly at the carpet and wondering why she wasn't feeling anything. When she'd left school, she'd shoved it all back inside her, and she'd still felt like she was about to burst, to split at the sides and have it all come pouring out. But somewhere along the way, it'd eased, it'd sunk deep inside her, and she was just... numb. And she kind of wanted to reach down inside herself, find where it was, and just pull it out, draw this worm out of the apple of her heart, before it rotted everything inside. But maybe it was too late for that.

Cat sighed, laying back on her bed, fingers splayed on her stomach. She felt the muscles, twitch, shake, jerk under her hands, her body trembling. It was doing what it was supposed to, Cat just wasn't feeling the emotions that were supposed to cause it. Her maelstrom of a mind was calm, in the eye of the storm. Cat knew it wouldn't last long, this blankness. She could already feel the thoughts start to creep in, creating ripples.

Jade. How could even just her name cause so much pain? Why did Cat see it everywhere, her ears pricking up everytime the word was mentioned? Why? Why did Cat love her? She didn't want to, she wasn't meant to. All Jade did was use her, and hurt her. Jade was selfish, and mean, and manipulative, and even as Cat told herself all these things, she found herself countering every one, she found herself not caring. Jade was all those things, but Cat couldn't bring herself to be angry. She shouldn't have expected better for herself. She shouldn't have thought Jade would actually want her. She was just Cat, she was nothing. She was a carbon copy of everyone else, and copies are always inferior. It wasn't Jade's fault that she got so hurt, that she expected so much. Jade had just wanted someone to love her, because Jade hurt too. But Jade didn't want Cat to love her. Cat's body jerked, her fingers curling. Jade loved Beck, not Cat. Who could ever love her? No one ever had before, so why should she think it'd be different now? She'd known Jade didn't love her, she'd always known that, but she'd let herself be used anyway. What kind of pathetic person just lets themselves be used?

Cat felt hot tears sting her eyes, and she blinked them away. What good did crying do? Nothing would do any good, nothing would help. She'd given everything to Jade, and it hadn't been enough. And now she had nothing left. She had no one, nothing, just this pain, which was quickly becoming like a friend. It never left her. It never turned away from her. She embraced it finally, and it felt oddly familiar to sink into it's arms. To stop fighting this feeling and just give into it. To smash that glass jar containing her hope and let it escape, to snuff out that light, that optimism that had always shone in her.

All that played through Cat's mind was Jade. The look on her face... the pity. Jade saying not to love her. Even now, all she wanted to do was make Jade happy, all she wanted to do was stop loving her. Stop everything. Cat just wanted to sleep, to sleep and sleep until she woke up and everything was different, everything was better. Where everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. She just wanted to stop her heart from beating, because Jade was in every beat, every breath, every throb. Jade was in her, and Cat didn't want her to be anymore. Jade didn't want to be anymore. Cat wanted it out. At least she couldn't think of Jade when she slept. At least it didn't hurt then.

Cat rolled off her bed, making her way to her parents' bathroom. She scrabbled through the drawers, avoiding the sight of herself. She didn't need to see the cracks running through her to know they were there. To know that they were splitting wider with every second that passed. Cat's fingers found a familiar shape, her hand circling around it. Cat's mother had insomnia. The doctors suggested moving somewhere quieter, more stress-free, but Cat's mother insisted they stay there... for Cat, so she could go to Hollywood Arts. So she'd been prescribed sleeping pills. Cat had always felt bad about that, that she kept her mother up at night... that she was the reason they couldn't move away, because she had to be a star, to make her family proud. Cat's hand tightened around the pill bottle. She'd stop embarrassing them, she'd stop her mother's sleepless nights, she'd stop hurting Jade, and... and she'd stop hurting. She'd just stop. Cat popped off the lid. She just wanted to sleep. To forget. No one would miss her while she was gone. Cat shook out a pill hesitantly, picking it up between her thumb and index finger and placing it on her tongue. It tasted almost sweet, and Cat added another one, and another before leaning down over the tap and filling her mouth with water, the pills sticking as she swallowed, before sliding down her throat. She took a deep breath, straightening up and brushing her hair back, finally looking doubtfully into the mirror. Chocolatey eyes stared back into hers, wide and ringed with dark lashes, eyebrows tugging down. It wasn't her. It was Cat, but it wasn't her. She saw herself, and she felt nothing. It was a stranger she saw, who just had a passing resemblance to that girl Cat, that girl she once knew. Cat tore her eyes away from her reflection, pouring more pills out onto the palm of her hand and bringing it to her mouth, gritting her teeth and filling her mouth with water again, swallowing quickly. She took a ragged breath, dropping the pill bottle in the sink. That should be enough, so that she'd sleep for a while. For long enough. Her stomach churned uneasily, Cat putting her hands to it and walking back to her room.

She just wanted to stop loving Jade. It was tearing her apart. Jade had so much power over her. Even after everything she'd done, even after she'd toyed with Cat's heart, even after she'd essentially raped Cat, Cat couldn't stop loving her, couldn't stop being in love with her. She'd tried so hard to make it stop, to tell herself that Jade was using her, that no one could ever, ever love her, but her heart never wavered. And Cat had hoped, even as Jade was crushing her in the auditorium, she'd hoped that maybe that would be it, that Jade's rejection of her would break the spell the brunette had over her heart, that maybe then her heart would falter, and start to doubt itself. But it hadn't. It kept beating just as hard for her, even though a throb of pain accompanied each beat.

Cat yawned, sitting back on her bed and reaching for her phone. This love was a poison, steeping in her veins. It was so much a part of her now. It'd hollowed out everything of the old Cat and cast it out, until it was all that was left, until it took over her, controlled every action, every thought. It was all of her now, and there was no way to get it out without destroying the rest of her. It was too wrapped up in her now, too much a part to be unravelled from her. Sleep. Sleep would stop it, would stop everything. Cat lay back on her bed, shuffling on her side, tucking her hair behind her ear, phone clutched in a hand as she yawned again. She didn't want to be this person anymore, she didn't want to feel this way. Cat's fingers clumsily unlocked her phone, Cat squinting to look at the screen, her eyelids starting to feel heavy. She'd tell Jade it was okay, that she was going to stop loving her. That she'd found a way, and that Jade didn't have to worry anymore. Jade didn't have to worry about hurting her anymore, and she could be with Beck, and be happy, and not feel conflicted about Cat.

Cat blinked, her eyebrows furrowing as she concentrated, starting a text message to Jade. It was getting harder and harder to focus.

'_It's okay, I found a way to make it stop._'

She pressed send, dropping her phone onto the bedspread, her head swimming. She felt like she did so long ago, the first time Jade had kissed her, and she smiled, remembering. Things had been so beautiful then, when they were just two people in the dark. Cat frowned, snuggling into her pillow, her heart thudding painfully hard, threads of panic reaching from her brain and trying to stir her limbs, to no avail. But everything was so fragile, and people were so clumsy. You can only be broken so many times before the pieces are too small to stick back together. Cat closed her eyes, her body feeling heavy, hands curled into loose fists. And as she slipped into the sleep she so desperately longed for, she swore she could almost hear her phone ring, wavering through the water that surrounded her, as she let herself drown. She stopped swimming, and let the water fill her lungs.

**A/N: Please review, I do believe this is the only character death I've ever written, as well as the longest chapter, so... a double whammy, I guess.**

**But please, do tell me if it affected you in any way.**


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